Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Large Hadron Collider has Broken Down

Scientists were forced to admit this week that their attempt to destroy the universe had failed. Boffins at the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva in Switzerland turned on the device last week to international excitement. However, on Friday it was shut down after a rattling sound was reported as coming from within one of the meson cannons. Dr Hun-Lum Kim, on secondment from the North Korean Nuclear Research Facility, explained that it looked like one of the quark accelerators used to drive atoms at twice the speed of light had come loose. “It is very frustrating,” he said, “ we have got so close to a functioning doomsday machine and then this happened.” Blaming budget constraints and sloppy workmanship, he added “I knew it was a mistake to source the fission magnetrons from Iran but obviously most the technology is completely illegal in the West and you just have to get it from where you can.”

Sources close to the project reacting angrily to the suggestion that trying to destroy the universe was “irresponsible” or “playing God.” “Science is merely the disinterested search for knowledge,” a source insisted. “Knowing whether it is possible to create black hole big enough to swallow all reality is vital to testing the validity of string theory. Clearly, we would not want the technology to fall into the hands of dictators or Republicans but that is unlikely to happen because we’ll all be dead anyway.”

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